I laid there for what seemed like hours. My mind reeled, refusing to stop. Like hamsters on a wheel thoughts cycled over and over again. On my left side, right side, leg thrown over my husband who was sleeping on his side…each little sound in the room was being magnified directly through a megaphone into my ears.
Beyond frustrated and beginning to feel a little desperate I closed my eyes attempting to will myself to sleep. Each look at the alarm clock reminded me how exhausted I would be when I had to get up in only 3 hours. Deliberate about taking slow, deep breaths I thought that perhaps if I acted like I was asleep I could fool my body into moving in that direction. It didn’t matter, nothing worked, I gave up and got up.
As quietly as possible I snuck out of my bedroom; looking back at my husband I envied his steady snoozing. Grabbing a cup of hot tea, I sunk onto the couch settling into the darkness. My aware yet exhausted condition met with the quiet inactivity of early morning making room for the still small voice within.
“My Child, why do you fear?”
Immediately pegged I was disarmed by the truth of where my problem lie. Abandoning the formalities of my normal quiet time routine I simply sat before the Lord, cried, and allowed my heart to spill out before Him. I did fear. I feared the unknown involved in the changes that loomed ahead. Too many questions lacked answers and too much was out of my control. Not even knowing exactly what lie ahead, I felt powerless to prepare.
Proverbs 3:5,6 rose up within me, “Trust in the LORD with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all of your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.” It wasn’t an unfamiliar passage to my heart. Touched with a tinge of guilt, I knew that I was supposed to trust, but in this particular moment I was having a difficult time with that. Logically, I knew that my soul was out of control and I could not seem to, within my own strength, get it back in check. I confessed this honestly before the Lord. “Lord, I want to trust you, I need to trust you, what other choice do I even have?” Silence filled the room. “Lord, help me to trust you.”
He restoreth my soul (Psalm 23:3)
As if He was just waiting for an invitation into the situation, immediately peace overwhelmed me. As honestly and forthright as I had been with Him, He now returned the favor. “I have never left you or forsaken you.”
A gentle reminder of truth. I had no grounds to argue; my mind filled with all of the times before that I had been at this same place and He had proven Himself faithful and trustworthy.
In Psalm 23 we are likened to sheep and the Lord as our Shepherd. The green pastures are places of peace and rest, even as the enemy looms. Constantly surrounded by the unknown, sheep, who by nature are a fearful and defenseless animal, are able to find peace because they have confidence in the shepherd. They trust their shepherd, they rely on their shepherd and they find comfort in the presence of their shepherd. They know by experience that their shepherd will protect them and keep them safe.
In times of restlessness and lacking peace remember Psalm 100:3… “Know the LORD, He is God; It is He who has made us, and not we ourselves; We are His people and the sheep of His pasture.
Father thank you for always being such a good Shepherd.