If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9
Knowing that it was important that I get up early but realizing that my body wasn’t cooperating, I got into the shower to help things along. As the water started, so did my brain and it shifted straight into third gear. Scrolling through the tasks of the day ahead, my body began the motions of daily cleansing. Barely cognitive of purposeful action, individual tasks involved were less intentional and more instinctual- wash my body, wash my face, wash my hair. Although the color, smell, and texture of cleansing goop changed, the routine never did.
As soon as I placed shampoo onto my head and began to lather I was distracted from my inner dialogue by the distinctive sense of déjà vu. With only a few finger scrunches, the quick intensity of lather confirmed to me that I had already washed my hair. I was irritated that now I would have to take time to go through the entire process yet again.
It’s not so much that washing my hair is difficult; it is more of a matter of the pointless redundancy of needlessly repeating an act I had already completed. The time, energy and shampoo wasted because of my absent mindedness and lack of attention “scrubbed me” the wrong way.
This isn’t the only area of my life that has been touched by needless repetition.
For years I was stuck in the wash, rinse and repeat cycle. When I would sin, the gentle loving conviction of God would be smothered out by the gut wrenching condemnation offered to me by the enemy.
Like a shamed and fearful child sometimes days and even weeks would go by that I would avoid time spent alone with the Lord. My eyes and heart cast down I would listen and accept each scornful accusation from the enemy reassuring me that I had surely blown it this time. Although I could feel the Holy Spirit tugging at me to come and spend time with Him I would decline His gentle invitation, reminding Him of how unworthy I was of His love, forgiveness and mercy.
Eventually I would find myself again at the realization that God was both my breath and my life. Where did I have to go but to Him? Always with abundant tears and a contrite heart I would slowly make my way to His throne room of grace, gently knock on the door and enter in head down and eyes averted. I couldn’t even understand why He would want to spend time with me as we both knew exactly who I was. He patiently listened to my guilt ridden confessions between sobs of anger and frustration of where I found myself yet again due to my own willful disobedience.
Out of words and exhausted from the intensity of the moment I would then just lay there swimming in the truth of how unworthy I was of any kindness, mercy or love that He would extend to me.
And then peace would come and He would speak to my heart.
He would remind me of His love for me. That He was both my Alpha and Omega and knew my beginning from my end. Even still, He loved me first, with every flaw and imperfection, and that was the only reason I loved Him. He assured me that my choices were no surprise to Him- he knew what He was getting into when He chose me, called me and set me apart as His own. “I love you, your forgiven, go and sin no more.”
No need to wash, rinse and repeat with God. Simply ask for forgiveness, it’s done.
Thank you Father for your grace, mercy and forgiveness in my life.